Lamborghini Reventon Roadster

hungry-confused-upset.

yes, i was hurt today..... seems like i am not worth your precious time. i am just a nobody in your eyes... a useless old man. no one gives two fucks about me. i am just destined to be hurt and be a fool. will try to erase u from my memory s l o w l y coz the futher you are, the lesser hurt it will be.

R.I.P PATRICK SWAYZE

what have I been up too.......part 2

@ City Space, Equinox

Outside Central @ Clark Quay

Chatterbox, Meritus Mandarin Singapore

Birthday Cake

what have I been up too...

well, i'm back after a long absence.... my computer was down and i was too lazy to get it fixed. the guys at a certain computer shop didn't do a good job at fixing my comp too. they just got it working again but never saw the root of the problem. so hence why it kept crashing. so i decided to bring it to a small computer shop and he did a fair better job than an established computer shop. so here i am again... and here's what i've been up to recently.

celebrated jenny's birthday

with sweet amanda d.s. @ obar

my first Rebel experience

catching with ol'friends @ esplande

@ wala wala with the temps

more to come....

Michael Joseph Jackson (August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)

The Off The Wall album was my first introduction to MJ and that i believe was somewhere in 1979 or 1980. I was like 10 or 11 then and i would dance to his songs @ some house parties that we would always have. The two songs i still love from the album is 'Off the Wall' and 'Rock With You' which i recently tried to sing with my friend Rob. The song still rocks. Of course, the Thriller album just blew everyone away and five years later, he released Bad!! After which, the whole black or white thingi came and i guess I didn't really dig him that much after that.


But still the man will be missed by myself and millions across the globe. The man is a legend and no one will come close. The music these days just don't add to what it used to be. So thanks for the music, moonwalk and everything else!! Rest In Peace!!

Transformers 2

I watched Transformers 2 twice and counting... It's such an awesome movie that u just wanna watch over and over again; and the soundtrack rocks, and of course there's always Megan Fox!!!!




I never thought much about Optimus Prime but after this movie I am like whoa!! This is Prime at his best!!!! So go and catch it, it's worth your every dollar!!!!

Pieces - Sum 41

I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy, but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said.

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own.

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing can save me,
But it's the only thing that I have.

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own.

On my own.

Ahh!

I tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along.

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own.

live and let die...

found out something over the weekend that made me realize that i have been a fool all along. why must everything so right just turned out wrong. guess what i wished for will never happen.. not in this life. yes, i'll be alone as always. . . . i am just getting old and i should just fade away. live and let die...

AF 447

"Millvina Dean, the last remaining survivor of the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, died in a care home in England, media reports said. She was 97. Elizabeth Gladys Dean, known to friends as Millvina, was only nine weeks old when the liner hit an iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean on the night of April 14, 1912, and sank killing 1,500 people.


Born on February 12, 1912, Dean was the youngest passenger on board. At the time, RMS Titanic was the most luxurious, most technically advanced and largest passenger liner in the world.She was dubbed "unsinkable", but it took just two hours and 40 minutes for her to disappear into the icy waters of the Atlantic after striking an iceberg at 11:40 pm on April 14."


Well, a day after the last titantic survivor dies in England, an Air France flight AF 447 goes missing. And it's strange coz even with the state of the art equipments that we have now, the plane is nowhere to be found. The pilot is an experience one and the plane is built to withstand the heaviest storm, so what might have happened to the plane is still a misery. My only guess is it may have drifted way off course. . . all we need now is a miracle and everyone is still safe. In GOD we trust!!!

Pesach IV

we had pesach iv on saturday and i guess it was the best of the three years, considering the fact the sound was still in a mess the day before and the day itself; but thanks to eugene and sebastian for helping out otherwise things wouldn't have gone smoothly. also thanks to jamie who brought to mind that technicalities do happen so what we have is what we gonna work with. so in the end, it worked well.... and it was 90 mins of pure energy from project jesus and the combined choir.


i was in two minds about helping out in the sound aspect of it as i felt that i have lost touched and the hang of it. working on a 24 channel 'tecman' and 16 channel 'yamaha' was nerve wrecking at first when the monitors speakers keeping creating feedbacks that almost blew our eardrums. i would like confess that i never good at monitor speakers hence i took a back seat while sebastian helped to sort out the monitors problems and it worked. eugene sorted ut the wireless problems and it worked. so during the performances, i was praying hard that i won't screw anything up and let everybody down.


but thank god, everything went well and everyone was happy!!! thanks again to eugene, sebastian, jr and jamie for helping me out; not forgetting dominiq for sorting the organ problem out. .. oh yes, i got a momentum from pesach iv, a bruise on my right arm... knocked my arm against one of the pews and the scar is still there. =p


i guess i would officially retire from sound as the heart can't take the pressure and stress level. i would like to apologies to my friends if i was a bit cranky. it was a difficult week for me and this foolish heart of mine has started playing games with me again but that's another story. =p

I can't make you love me

realised that i shouldn't have . . . should have just locked my heart away!!

Victoria Secret Sales starting May 2009

Helping out an ex-colleague who is going to bring Victoria Secrets Bags and other items into Singapore. So if u are interested, please do visit Victoria's Secret Bags Instock and place ur orders.

nowhere fast

time to take a step back and analyze things all over again...
not gonna blog coz there's nothing much to blog about.....

onli use when required....

was hurt today, like always.

alone in the dark

it's march 2009 and everything is just not going really good. . . ever since i lost my wallet and phone, everything went downhill and it's good to know who your real friends are. . . things are not looking up yet and with my mom being admitted to hospital ytd, things went further downhill..... not sure when i would see the light but i guess i have to go through this alone coz i've always have.... 2009 has been sucky so far!!!

Cookie the lost puppy..

cookie the lost puppy, has been found. . . !!! =)

i don't know why

the heart is breaking up and i don't know why....

feeling so alone and i don't know why...

feel like crying and i don't know why....

it hurts and i don't know why...

~~~~~~~~~~~ " ~~~~~~~~~~~

a weekend of losses

okie first things first... please help to look out for a friend's puppy who went missing whilst in care of another friend in yishun. so if anyone have seen cookie, please do let crystal or me know... thanks!!!

secondly, i lost my wallet and phone @ attica whilst celebrating greg's birthday. i pray for the soul of the person who took it coz u have been cursed to the ends of the universe... good luck to ya. ;)

anyways, i have got my cards replaced and prob get a new phone over the weekend hopefully, now really sure what phone to get though. well, if everything else fails i just get back the same model, nokia 5300. =p

well, its gonna be another weekend, but this time its work and training the whole day.. *sianz*. might be going for drinks after work, but see how. till then, have a good weekend.

Lost Puppy

Name : Cookie

Breed : Mongrel

Gender : Male

Last seen on 12 Feb Midnight @ Block 702 Yishun Ave 5.

If found please contact: crystalshong@hotmail.com

And You Tell Me - A-HA

Please don't hurt me
I have told you
All my love is all i've got
And tomorrow is the day
When I for your sake
I'm coming back

And you tell me
That i don't love you

I'm trying hard to make you jealous
Trying harder to make you stay
Days are longer
Night are crazy
It's so strange when you're away

And you tell me
That i don't love you
Please
Let me come to you
And stay this time

And you tell me
That i don't love you
Oh you know
That it's just not true

juz tot of the song today and so i blogged.

pictures of things so far..

evangeline's farewell @ zouk

with friends at gotham penthouse

with melissa @ cafe domus

my birthday celebration at lunar with me dear colleagues

The Feb month.... so far.

it's been an eventful month so far, started off with farewell party at debz & fer's place on 31 Jan to 1 Feb 09. it was really nice and enjoyable, made friends. hmmm...i just realised that carol has not uploaded the pictures as yet. . then me, rod and carol send debz and fer to the airport. really sad seeing them off, esp debz whom i known she was a little girl....sigh. but i still have faith in the girl that one day, she'll make it big time. love u debz and hope to see u again one day. =)

next stop was evangeline's farewell party at zouk with andy, jason, andrea and jasmine along with evan's friends on 6th Feb... gotham on 7th Feb to celebrate my advance birthday. which was fun thanks to rodney. i 'owe' you one big time, dude!!! we saw evangeline off at the airport on 10th Feb and i really did tear... really gonna miss that girl. love u gal!!!

on 13th feb, went down to cafe domus to watch corrinne & robin performed. it was nice seeing sarah, joanne, arvin, mellisa, audrey han and of course, amanda again along with andi, jude and melvin. countdown to my birthday on cafe domus and thanks rob for the bucket of tiger!! sorry that i couldn't finished all by myself, that why amanda helped me. i was really tired and could have slept at domus itself. thanks to mel for sending me back, i was really really tired. not really sure why.

on 14th feb itself, i celebrated my birthday with my colleagues @ lunar. was surprised that they played house music during the band breaks. i must say that the live band there are awesome.. that's why i didn't mind going there on my birthday. caroline and rodney was around clark quay too celebrating with their own friends. thanks for the nike t-shirt and the top up cards guys. each of them are actually valued at $100 and i got six of them.. so i am covered for life.. =p

i would like to thank everyone for their birthday wishes which i received so many via sms and facebook. sorry that i couldn't reply to everyone but i do appreciate it, thanks once again. it's funny that amidst everything, i do feel lonely. yes, still waiting for the special girl to fill that void.

anyways, with everything aside i realised something on friday that i guess will have to be looked over.... not gonna say what but in time people will realised. . . nights!!

invisible

suddenly everything seems to crashing down and i don't think i will be able to take it. . . another when u really get to the bottom of it. . . life sucks big time at the moment. . . and i wish i could disappear.

give me something to believe in.....

gonna take a step back and look at things all over again.... realised that somethings needs to be re-evaluated.... realised that i'm not interesting enough to some people....... please give me something to believe in.

ASOT

went to zouk on friday with caroline to catch armin van buuren and he was awesome. . i almost gave the whole event a missed becoz of something that happened but i thought i could feel miserable or i could have the time of my life with beautiful people. so i met up with carol n met manda, daryl and friends and the rest as they say was history being made. hahaha.. we however didnt stay till the end, as tiredness got the better of us, so carol n me headed home; not before getting a long sweet hug from amanda dear... lubb u!! =) didn't get to see debz, fer, nicole or cillin when we were inside... but we all had a helluva time. anyways, me and carol headed back to yishun and had the usual, supper @ 848. then it was a long walk home for me after walking carol home... it was a memorable night.. wonder if dj tiesto would head this way??? haha

anyways, met up with huirong on sat evening after having dinner with joanne p, pat & angela after church. huirong's bf was held up so we went to burger king, yishun to have a bite. she was fun to be with and freaking funny. the nicest thing abt it is that it was comfortable being with her... this gal is after very down to earth and it was nice catching up with her. found out that her bf used to live in yishun too.

anyways, finally finish downloading a rpg game recommended by taufiq 'phoenix dynasty online' so yea, i started to play this afternoon till i was quite bored with it. haha... guess i'll stick to 'mass effect'. =)

wish everyday was like new year's eve!!

saying farewell to 2008 @ helipad

welcoming 2009 @ Le Noir

it was my first time clubbing on new year's eve. . previous new years were spend in church or around yishun. so this year, i wanted it to be different & special; and man, it was a helluva time!! never had we had so much fun just being ourselves. like mel put it 'wish everyday was like new year's eve!' well, it was a great start to the new year, so i hope it stays that way although i foresee some rocky times ahead soon ... oh well, just have to face it and see where it goes. in the meantime, happy new year to everyone!!

Cafe Domus

a night out with the gang @ cafe domus

retro night

annual dinner & dance 2008

retro night

12th december 2008

swissotel the stamford

a night out...

went for nicole's 21st birthday at changi cranwell on friday. it was really nice meeting up with caroline, rodney, amanda & nicole after a long time. think the last time we (rod, mel & carol) met was for melvin's birthday at debz place. as for amanda and nicole, i think it was nicole's birthday last year. .. hehee. oh yes, finally met bianca, the very gal that andi had been talking abt. oh yes, almost forgot abt up and freda aka dada, they came later too. also made some new friends too.. as usual. as usual there is always a drinking game with up being the game master. not sure what was the name of the game but dada saved me twice from the whole mixture of god knows what. thank you for not sending me to dadaland... i'll visit it the next time. =)

on saturday night after meeting my dear crystal for dinner at 925, i went to clark quay - central to meet my colleagues. jason, andy, andrea, jeremy and my dear niece xl was already there. jason brought us to this cool chill up place at central 5th floor, helipad. it was two levels, the first floor is like in this pic and the second floor was the rooftop lounge. we went up to the rooftop lounge and was lucky enough to get a seat with a great view of clark quay. it's different when one is up there looking down. it was really nice. we ordered a vodka blue for the night and played travel scrabble. i know it was lame but we had fun but sadly the place closes at 3am and someone was hungry, so we had a take away from macs.sat down beside singapore river and enjoyed each other's company till 5am before we went our separate ways. rick drove jason, niece xl and me home. it was nice talking to my dear niece again. . =)

next stop = company's dinner and dance on 12th december and corrinne's performance at cafe domus.

wot goes around comes around..

i am just a crazy old fool who invented all this..

and i guess i expected to much from it...

now i've only got myself to blame..

sorry for the hurt that i've caused..

it won't happen again.

Importance of Open Communication

received this email from a friend: - (it's a long post)

"Took me sometime to finish reading this LONG story.... Apparently it is a true story shared by a friend. Worth reading it... "

Part 1...

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, everything became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which had a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: 'Let's go fetch mother.' Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both of us refuse to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: 'I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!' I smiled and said: 'Mum! , with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better.' Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: 'Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it.'

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: 'You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it.' There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few
minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the
protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and 'Bam' she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: 'What did I do wrong?' Hubby stared at me and said: 'Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?'


After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the 'all important' task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: 'LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?' He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: 'LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?' I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't. I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out.

Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: 'LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor.'

The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't! hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: 'Darling, I am having your baby!' and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.


That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: 'Mr Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital.' I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the
countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if...

In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Part 2 and end...

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I ad rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart..

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heartbeat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death, so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I went to my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this
baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: 'You wait a while, I will sign.' He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself 'You cannot cry, you cannot cry....' my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there..

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull a paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him.
'LD, you are pregnant?'

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: 'Yes, but it's ok, you can leave now.' He did not go, in the dark, we sat facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I should sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated 'sorry' to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scar in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated! Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from
my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I keptquiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time, I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost every day, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full.. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: 'Prepare for his funeral.'

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: 'Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance.. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand! words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your li loves me most...'

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.


Hubby has also written a letter for me:

'My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging...'

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: 'Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms...'

He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

The End...

chivas so regal

looking at the current state of the world, a colleague asked me if we are nearing to the end of the world. well, with so many things happening i wouldn't fault him for saying that as the current events are just leading to it. so we could only hope and pray that there would be peace one day.

anyways, went to watch madagascar: escape 2 africa but i still preferred the first one or maybe i'll go and watch it again. hahaha... hmmm it seems the madagascar 3 will be release in 2011. we like to move it, move it.

after the movie, went down for nicole's surprise birthday party which i thought was in the evening.. =p but we had fun. thanks to cristy n chels for getting the present for nicole. =) i kinda like this picture becoz of the ambience and friends. it gives you the kind of warmly feeling. :)

walked to the train station with melanie, it was good catching up with after so long. she's really sweet and cute. . was stop by this citibank sales rep and i signed up for something that i can't remember now. saw meena too and she is looking great... hmmm. so melanie left for home and i went to boat quay to meet andy, andrea, shu hui n matthew. we headed down to minds cafe for some dinner and card games. ja-son joined us later but we didn't stay there for long as sh's sis asked us to go to victoria @ chinatown. a long walk it was and guess we had a decent time there.

it was nice seeing shu yi and eedaric again. we order a bottle of chivas and i am sure that i didn't drink that much but i guess it was the last glass that killed me, was trying to finish the bottle. after vic, jason, andy, andrea n me walked to maxwell market to have some porridge. i don't think i remember finishing the porridge or coffee. andrea left first and then much later, we hailed a cab for andy. so it was me and jason.. but i didn't feel sober enough to take a cab so we walked on, stopping over a 7-11 to grab an orange juice and carried on walking to clark quay where we sat by singapore river. guess i knocked out for abt an hour or so.. and when i got up it was sevenish. we took the train and i bought breakfast home. it's has been more than 12 hours but i still can taste the chivas in my taste buds... ja-son told me something that i would keep in mind and see where i stand. . . i guess there will be some changes but i am not sure if its gonna be good.

slide....

for some reasons... i am glad it's the weekend. so i don't have to keep on wondering how to react coz i really don't know how things stand at the moment... shld i let it, slide.

we're gonna party like it's 1999!!

The Official Countdown to The End of The World December 21, 2012

Welcome. Have a seat. Enjoy the view because the curtains are about to close and life as you know it will be no more. Pop some corn. Chug a shake. Do whatever you want. It no longer matters.


It is a great time to be alive. A wonderful time. And though time may be money, membership in the group is FREE. Your membership includes FREE updates of the coming end. FREE in-depth coverage of humanity in denial. FREE ideas on how to spend your final days on earth. FREE suggestions on how to say ‘goodbye’ to loved ones, friends, even strangers. FREE insights into the many mistakes humans have made throughout history. FREE suggestions to avoid repeating those sordid mistakes if humans are given another chance (doubtful). Well, it is about time to invite your family, friends, and neighbors to join. And don't forget, it is FREE — while food, water, and oxygen supplies lasts.

2012

My bro showed me this trailer ytd and I was wondering how could anyone survive anything like that. I did a google search on 2012 and it came out with this date, December 21 2012; yes they have a website dedicated to this date. It seems that a certain Mayan Calendar ends its cycle on this date, whilst some believes it ends on 23 December of 2012 but whats the diff, it's just two days apart.

NASA also predicts a great solar activity in 2012, the strongest since the historic maximum in 1958; Intense auroras over Fairbanks, Alaska, in 1958.. wonder how it will be in 2012. There's also talks abt Planet X (a.k.a. Nibiru). It was spotted by astronomers in the early 1980's in the outermost reaches of the Solar System. It has been tracked by infrared observatories; seen lurking around in the Kuiper Belt and now it is speeding right toward us and will enter the inner Solar System in 2012.

Years ago, people said that world would end in 2000 but here we are closer to 2009 even closer to 2012. On July 9, 2008, Fox News mocked many who believe the world will end in 2012. Well, as for me, I am certainly not looking forward to Nibiru but i still certainly like to see the skies light up just like in 1958.